FWB DTF

Last year Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis starred in Black Swan, and famously went at it in a drug and stress induced sex binge. Earlier this year Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher starred in No Strings Attached, a PG rom-com cheese fest that instantly made viewers dumber for watching. Now comes Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake in Friends with Benefits, basically the same movie as Strings, but with the work “fuck” used more heavily in dialogue. So by my math, Mila and Natalie really wanted to make the same follow-up to Black Swan, but somewhere a casting director blew it. Wouldn’t No Strings Attached have been more interesting with Timberlake at Kutcher as leads making Friends With Benefits the comedic rebuttal and natural progression for Kunis and Portman?

There’s a better joke in there somewhere, but I’m just not the man to find it. Anyways…

Friends With Benefits is a solid romantic comedy. All the beats are there. You know the concept, you know the conflict and it’s pretty obvious how the film is going to end. The fun is seeing how our characters reach each plot point. My problem with FWB is that the writers seemed to use the self-referential humor device as an excuse to execute all the cliches we’ve come to expect from rom-coms. Just because Justin and Mila make fun of sappy/poppy love songs and fairytale fate endings within their dialogue doesn’t give the actual movie we’re watching a pass. One time, OK, maybe it’s cute. But two fucking flashmobs? I’m out. SO 2009! [Again, I maintain that since Scream invented and executed this perfectly, Hollywood writers have gotten lazy.]

Besides only getting a glimpse of Mila’s bare ass, my only other problem with the film was Justin Timberlake. This topic has been covered better elsewhere, but I now think it’s more serious than I originally believed. Justin Timberlake’s fame and prior success make very it hard for him to separate JT from whoever he’s playing on screen. The biggest example of what bugged me with FWB is that his character didn’t know who sang the song “Closing Time” (Semisonic, duh!). I couldn’t get over that in real life, JT must know that jam. His acting just didn’t convince me. Yet on the same level at the opposite end, one of the best scenes is JT dancing and rapping Kris Kross’ “Jump.” Timberlake’s greatest strength is music so how could, on the one hand, writer’s make a key theme that he doesn’t know the name of a band, then on the other hand show him nailing a verse of a nineties rap song? The only solution is that JT pull a DeNiro or Ledger and completely loose himself in his next project to prove his commitment to acting. Gain 50 pounds, do an accent, read a script with no music it in whatever.

Friends With Benefits is funny, but it didn’t make me laugh out loud (LOL!). The best parts are brought on by its supporting cast and other celebrity cameos (Emma Stone: the best; Shawn White: felt forced playing against type). At least this rom-com felt somewhat based in reality. Attractive people have sex, they struggle with relationship labels, they swear, they deal with family issues, they break up and (sometimes) they get back together for a happy ending. All in all, you could do much worse if it’s her turn to pick the movie.

So can we all agree that this movie concept is officially beaten into the ground? No more movies about “friends” hooking up and living happily ever after, OK? Awesome. We’re done here.

Vin Diesel? DIESEL!

It pays to know your audience. Makers of Fast Five have a pretty good idea what their fans want: cars, women, exotic locations, muscles. By no means is Fast Five the best film of the year, but it may be the most satisfying.

What can you really ask of an action movie? They aren’t supposed to be believable, so why do blow hards find such pleasure in trashing movies like Fast Five? Sure, the acting is average and the plot is crazy but who cares? Were you entertained for two hours? Get over yourself.

Thankfully, Fast Five has every action move cliche. It’s predictable, loud and extremely fun. Of course Vin Diesel and Paul Walker need to do “one more job” and get the gang back together to rob a corrupt drug lord in Rio (where they’re in hiding). Of course The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) is the best cop in the world, hot on their tail. Of course there’s a final scene that will make you say “whoa!” and “cool, bro!”

I’m not a gearhead, so for me Fast Five was all about The Rock vs. Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel proves that yes, a man can be jacked and still have a double chin. The Rock looks too ripped for his role, if that’s even possible. Yes, he’s a bad ass, but it’s almost like his immense muscles and extra small Under Armour shirt get in the way of him doing his job. Maybe his glistening biceps were there to distract us from the horrible acting. (Favorite laugh-out-loud moment when I shouldn’t have: Vin yelling “This is BRA-ZILLL!” to taunt The Rock at the street race.)

The Rock has great charisma, but still lacks chops. Regardless, this is how Dwayne Johnson should have spent the last ten years. Being huge and kicking ass in actions flicks. He really should have been the next Schwarzenegger (and still could be). Instead, he did horrible Disney kids flicks and tarnished his brand. Hopefully we see round two of Diesel-Rock in the next Fast installment.

The point is, you know what your getting when you go to see this movie. Don’t take it too serious. Laugh at the absurdity (and tender moments) and hang on for the NOS-infused ride.

For a more in-depth and hilarious breakdown of Fast Five, I highly recommend listening to the recent B.S. Report where Adam Carolla and Bill Simmons spent over an hour dissecting the finer points of the film.

Whats your favorite scary movie?

I am a big wuss. A cry baby. A little girl. I do not like scary movies. It’s not that I don’t like feeling scared, I just don’t like getting tricked into being spooked. The blood, the gore, the idea of a crazed serial killer on the loose–these horror staples don’t bother me. It’s the manufactured jump-out-of-your-seat moments that every horror film is built on that I can do without. You know they’re coming, the music signals it, and when it doesn’t come, you take a breath, then BAM, you’re the idiot two rows up bouncing three feet out of your seat, spilling popcorn all over your date when the killer pops out of the ceiling instead of the closet. Great thanks, you scared me. Not because what I was watching caused me to feel fear, but because you fooled my senses into anticipating something when I least expected it.

So, doing my best to avoid all said moments, I spent a good part of Scream 4 with my eyes closed, looking away from the screen when it was obvious Ghostface was about to pop out and disembowel someone. Once he was on screen, eyes were glued to slit throats and intestines spilling from abdomens!

A lot has been written about the original Scream film and its impact in revitalizing the horror genre. (Bio channels’ “Inside Story: Scream” is a must watch). That was fifteen years ago, and it’s hard to understate the way one movie can impact every subsequent horror film released afterward, even its own sequels. It’s unfair to compare Scream 4 to the original. I listened to “film geek” Dan Silver on Bill Simmons’ BS Report eviscerate Scream 4 because it didn’t live up to his standards set by the original, calling the film “the most disappointing sequel” he’s ever seen. Really?

Scream 4 isn’t really a sequel and isn’t really a reboot; it’s an odd combination of the two: familiar core characters, same mask, hip new cast, back to the original scene of the crime. People who love Scream, often site its ‘meta’ qualities–a movie about movies–self-referential dialogue and inside jokes that horror nerds eat up. Straight-up: enough with the fucking meta shit. The original Scream was so on point, that we should have held a funeral and buried the device because anyone else who uses it just looks like a pandering hack. So, when Scream 4′s plot involves a wrinkle of the killer filming his killings, is that like, triple meta??? ZOMG, my head is going to explode.

I think Kevin Williamson has a really good script here, but he might be trying too hard. The characters almost seem too self-aware and desensitized. I can suspend my disbelief for major plot points like Sidney Prescott’s last stop on her book tour is in her hometown on the anniversary of the original massacre, because you know, it’s a horror film and these things happen, but when Gail and Dewey and the Cinema Club start breaking down the science of horror films and the new “rules” and how they’re going to catch the killer by remembering the sequence of events from the original blah blah blah–I don’t care. What’s the old saying for writers, show don’t tell? Take one scene, the obligatory cops on patrol outside the house set-up: The two officers are hanging out in the car, with the windows down(!?!) talking about movies in which cops always get killed. Naturally, to buck the stereotype, you’d think Williamson would have them live. Instead, he fakes you out with a lame prank, then kills them off with the best death scene in the movie. So, is that supposed to be creative because he did a double 180, where the expected in now the unexpected? [Also a direct line from Macauley's brother.]

My biggest issue with the movie was the casting. I think Emma Roberts and Hayden Panettiere should have switched rolls. Hayden was great as the spunky best friend, but Emma felt like an inferior actress and her lack of chops really was painful in the third act. It’s like they wanted Kirsten Stewart, but she turned them down so they settled. Also, I’m glad Kirsten Bell only had a cameo a la Drew Barrymore in the original. (Sooo meta bro!) Any more of Bell and I would have probably stabbed myself.

It’s almost too easy to be cynical and jaded and rip this movie. Sure, it pats itself on the back a ton and tries almost too hard to be the anti-Anti horror film, but at the end of the day, it is what it is–a scary movie. This ain’t Hotel Rwanda here, but for whatever reason, people act like it is. What’s so bad about an escapist cheap thrill? Go see the movie. Try and figure out who the killer is and who are the red herrings. Jump out of your seat and cringe. Argue with your friends about whether the motive was enough for you. [Motive: decent. Monologue after the reveal, very satisfying and creepy, because it's true.]

Originality is one of the hardest qualities to achieve in cinema. Scream was a rare feat. Part of the fun of Scream 4 is that it’s not original and it is at the same time, and I think that’s the point.

3D glasses not required for laughter

I remember it vividly. I was in my parents’ basement, probably listening to Enema of the State, and drinking my third Mountain Dew of the night. It was ten o’clock and naturally MTV was on.

“Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville and welcome to Jackass!”

One of the simplest and brilliant introductions ever. For the next half hour I laughed uncontrollably at Knoxville pepper-spraying himself, Bam Margera in flying out of shopping carts, and skaters shredding in massive fat suits. Jackass just made sense to me. Immature and impressionable, I felt like I was watching me and my friends–idiots doing stupid stunts to make each other laugh. Jackass became a must-watch every week. What would Knoxville and the CKY crew do this week? Whether it intended to or not (probably not, considering all the interviews I’ve seen with Spike Jonze and Jeff Tremaine), Jackass really was the first successful show that ultimately turned MTV away from music videos. It was cheap to produce, got great ratings and the misfits from Big Brother were natural stars in front of the camera. Jackass grew bigger, the stars branched out, and movies were made. Like the stars of the show, I grew older, but never forgot how much fun watching Jackass is. I firmly believe that laughing at someone else’s physical pain, is an innate reaction and quite cathartic. There have been many imitators (Dudesons, Nitro Circus), but the Jackass crew will always be the innovators.

Jackass 3D seems to be the curtain call for the crew. The stunts are more insane, the budget is bigger, and many of the guys are getting older. I know Jackass 3D is not a typical movie, but it’s the best comedy of the year. I laughed, I cringed, I wanted to shit my pants.

The film is great and plays much more like an extended episode. It felt like there were fewer big stunts and more quick hitters. Some of the best bits are the ones that appear to be unplanned (boredom + super glue + video camera). All participants shine, but the star of the film is the slow motion effects. Pain never looked so cool. My favorite moment involves Phil Margera and his reaction to seeing a gorilla in is hotel room. You can’t script that shit! (rimshot)

Not all stunts were home runs. I’ve never been a huge fan of the straight pain gags (stun guns, intentional nut shots), and I could do without all the animal involvement. The one exception: Danger Ehren and a donkey. Just see the flick.

The reality is that Jackass was only on MTV for two years between 2000 and 2002, but the show feels bigger than it’s television run. Over the past ten years we’ve watched these guys absolutely go all out, risking their bodies and decency for the sake of our enjoyment. Any loser can hurt themselves for the camera. What makes Jackass different is the personalities and point of view. Steve-O is just a likable guy. April Margera reminds us of our own Mom. When Knoxville puts on the old-guy make up is it to just get a laugh or make the point that elderly folks can get away with anything?

Bottom line: we owe these guys. Seeing the movie is the least we can do. Because laughter is the greatest gift, especially when you’re laughing at a 400 pound man getting hit directly in the face by a football kicked by an NFL player.

That site was Facebook, and in six short years, the website has become a global phenomenon, and made it’s creator Mark Zuckerberg the youngest billionaire in history. The Social Network, the dark and intense film from director David Fincher and writer Aaron Sorkin, is the story of how Facebook came to dominate our social lives. Or is it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UNrqz6X-AE

You see, there has been some debate as to the how accurate The Social Network actually is. Mark Zuckerberg says its a character assassination. Fincher and Sorkin are vague about their intent and opinions. What we do know is that there was a book written called The Accidental Billionaires in which Sorkin based his screenplay off, co-founder Eduardo Saverin and the Winklevoss twins both sued Zuckerberg in separate lawsuits (both settled out of court), and deposition testimony was made available to writers.

Whatever you choose to believe about the story, the movie is a fascinating character study of Zuckerberg, who without question is really an asshole. Jessie Eisenberg is great in the role. The whole cast is excellent. The score is eerie. Fincher is the man, effortlessly fusing his style into a non-typical film for him. My only critique could be that the movie is paced a little slow. This film is a straight character drama about nerds building a website. Transformers it is not; but for the subject matter, the film is very captivating.

Back to Zuckerberg. He has to be one of the most enigmatic people alive. He’s a computer savant, appears to simply not care about the amount of money he’s worth, and remains unable to maintain relationships with those close to him. The man behind the largest online social network in the world, is the the most socially awkward kid in the room. The irony is not lost on the filmmakers. With a poignant final scene, are we finally meant to feel sympathetic for Zuckerberg, or just see him as a pathetic loner?

One of my favorite scenes is when Zuckerberg sees his ex-girlfriend out at a bar with her friends and tries to apologize to her. She wants nothing to do with him and rightly so. But it’s the juxtaposition between her, out with her friends enjoying a real social interaction, and Zuckerberg, alone, awkward, and only comfortable “locked in” at a computer, that is the greatest example of Zuckerberg’s disconnect.

It is inferred that Zuckerberg created Facebook partly for revenge, partly to get girls and partly to change his poor reputation at Harvard after creating Facebook’s predecessor Facemash. Throughout the film Zuckerberg is obsessed with Facebook being cool. Being cool is why he resists Eduardo’s plan for monetization and why he falls in love with Sean Parker. The Social Network is essentially just a movie about a dork trying to be cool. Unfortunately, Zuckerberg still hasn’t realized that just because 500 million people “like” your site, doesn’t mean they like you.

Easily awesome.

Emma Stone is what Lindsay Lohan could have been — hot, hilarious and an actress with a great future. After supporting roles in Superbad and Zombieland, Stone is ready to star in Easy A, a movie about a whore who really isn’t a whore, but becomes an attention whore. Ah, whatever, see the movie and forget the useless plot summary.

I’m a teen move connoisseur and Easy A is an excellent homage to John Hughes classics. Writer Will Gluck works in many references, both blatant and subtle, to classic eighties teen movies, which makes the movie self-aware and uncliched. The jokes are fresh, the story is relevant and uses Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter as a nice framework. Easy A is an evolved Mean Girls, which is wild to say, realizing how far we’ve come in six years. Girls use to just be mean to each other. Now they’re mean, conniving, selfish, self-aware and perfectly OK with it.

Which brings me to my main gripe of the film–it’s rating. Call me Grandpa Diesel, but Easy A should have been rated R. I understand Hollywood’s desire for a wider audience, but I hope thirteen year old girls don’t understand everything covered in the movie. I’m not naive and I remember what high school was like. One of Easy’s strength is its accuracy in depicting the social struggle of high school. But there were young girls in the theatre with me and I’d hate to have to answer their questions on the ride home. If they went R, there could have been a little more swearing and gratuitous female nudity, which would have been the best way to salute 80′s flicks.

Easy A is the best teen comedy since The Girl Next Door. Funny, sweet and very re-watchable. The teen bar has been raised again.

Inception is a very heavy flick. Two and a half hours of intense focus. There are moments of great action, amazing set pieces and a convoluted story that will take all of your energy to follow.

My biggest issue is how the film in being marketed. Studio executives have fucked us and pandered to the lowest common denominator. The trailer above is awesome. Suspenseful, an epic score, key pieces of dialogue about the plot–it’s built up to be a heist movie of grand proportions filled with great actors and non-stop action. However, as we see right from the opening scene, the movie isn’t linear. Be prepared to think and question. Inception is everything is promised to be, but with a whole lot more to sift through. And by the time everything starts to come together in your head, we’re already two hours in and the movie sprints to the finish line.

Leonardo DiCaprio may be the lead actor, but the star here is director Christopher Nolan. Slowly, over the past ten years, Nolan has become arguably the greatest filmmaker alive (Memento, Insomnia, Batman Begins, The Prestige, The Dark Knight). He expertly crafts scenes and visual effects. Everything is filmed on location and his signature style is stunning. As beautiful as Nolan’s dreamscapes are, I found the plot was weak and didn’t live up to other elements of the film. (A heavy dusting of The Matrix, no?) Really, it just gets so dense that it feels like more effort went into making the audience believe the concept of “inception,” than into making a compelling story around the concept. Layers upon layers upon layers. Necessary layers for everything to make sense, but layers regardless.

For such a grand idea, the simple notion that Dom needs to do “one more job” so he can get back to his family is as cliched as it gets. We’re supposed to be sympathetic to Dom, but his own selfish motivations prevent the viewer from really being invested in his quest. I much preferred the supporting cast; Aurthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Eames (Tom Hardy) are great sidekicks, and even Ellen Paige’s managed to make Ariadne likable and free of snark (a feat I never thought possible).

Inception is a unique film that will sit nicely in Nolan’s catalog, but simply, it’s too smart and complicated to be a summer blockbuster. It grossed about $60 million opening weekend, but
I’m not sure if it will have legs for the rest of summer. Inception is very solid though, probably one of the best films that will be released this year. Don’t be scared away. It’s good when a film makes you think, no matter what your opinion is.

Now in theatres! But wait for Netflix.

I feel like Tom Cruise is still doing damage control from the whole Oprah-couch-Scientology backlash from a few years back. Knight and Day is just his latest attempt to repair his image and make movie fans remember that he used to be very likable and bankable at the box office. Knight and Day is exactly what you’d expect–a summer blockbuster focused more on action and stunts than plot and storytelling. And I’m OK with that, but if you’re going to go that route, it better be fun, exciting, and escapist.

The film kicks off ambiguously as we follow Cruise and Diaz through plane crashes, highway chases and interrogations. All style, no substance. My problem with the first act is that the viewer doesn’t know the plot and we’re forced to just hang on for the ride and trust that it will all make sense later. Another failed device has to be the use of “drugging” or “black-out” montages where the characters (mostly Cameron Diaz, and in turn, the viewer), drift in and out of consciousness with flashes of action that is meant to forward the plot and accelerate time. It’s just lazy writing.

[Quick tangent: Speaking of lazy writing, how is Cameron Diaz's character's last name not "Day"? June Day, yea that's lame, but change her first name instead. My point is that Hollywood never messes up these word play phrase movie titles. If her last name is Day and you learn the Knight tie-ins to Cruise, not only is the movie title a play on the phrase and I guess their relationship/plot, it gets both of their names in their for complete synergy.]

Ultimately, the movie hinges on the chemistry between Cruise and Diaz. Diaz shows her age (along with her cosmetology) and just doesn’t quite work as the sneaky cute aloof tomboy mechanic who can’t find love. As for Cruise, it feels like he’s more concerned about looking cool in delivering a very in-control and level headed character, than connecting emotionally and making the audience root for him.

Knight and Day doesn’t make you think and is probably Cruise’s best work since Collateral. As far as action-romantic-comedies go, it’s decent. There are certainly worse ways you could spend two hours at the theatre this summer.

10. Can’t Buy Me Love (1987)
Patrick Duffy before he was McDreamy. A classic plot, predictable story, yet it’s funny and fun and a great ride.

9. Porky’s (1982)
The originator of the eighties raunchy teen comedy. It’s all about the shower scene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=GIcSuyZjjIM

8. Just One of the Guys (1985)
Gender swap? Hot chick? Epic nudity scene? Zabka as the villian? Annoying brother who’s bedroom is plastered with porn? Check, Check, Check. Highly underrated movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=-VVzOYvNv_I

7. Farris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
One of the most famous films of the eighties that launched Matthew Broderick’s career. The ultimate fantasy: every kid’s dream to skip school and run the city. Some of the scenes are over the top (the parade), but moments like the faking sickness scam and odometer crash are on the money.

6. Breakfast Club (1985)
This one’s on the top for many, but I think it’s slightly overrated. Great cast, love John Hughes, very quotable, but I think the music that played such a huge roll in the film (“Don’t You Forget About Me”) has actually made me like the film less years later. Dawson’s Creek even did a whole tribute episode. There’s no denying it’s impact on pop culture. The Breakfast Club is solid, but not my favorite Hughes film of the eighties.

5. Risky Business (1983)
Everyone knows the fucked out scene with Tom Cruise dancing to a fucked out song in his underwear. But past that one scene, is a really good movie. The ultimate coming-of-age film. Cruise gets laid, finds himself in trouble, has to bail himself out and decide in one weekend what his future will be. The film nails the pressure and expectations of high school. It’s funny, dark, serious, well made, and poignant.

I saw a show once where they said that in the original ending, Joel doesn’t get into Harvard. The studio didn’t like the downer ending so they made the filmmakers change the story so that he gets in. I don’t think the change effects how I feel about the final version, but knowing how the original screenplays ends provides a much better context for the story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=i37uttMA6Mc

4. Karate Kid (1984)
Pure blasphemy that Will Smith’s kid remade this classic. Daniel Russo and Mr. Miagi are unstoppable. I love that this is a traditional story of the new kid in town just trying to fit in and get the girl. Karate is just the conduit. After this movie, every kid in America was doing the crane kick. Daniel-san was the underdog that could and is impossible to root against. Zabka, the ultimate eighties villain is born.

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=eWfIO20LMIA

3. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
I bet that Sean Penn detests his role as Spicoli and refuses to even acknowledge his breakthrough role. Fast Times is the ultimate slice-of-Californian-life picture. Light, fun, hilarious. Girls, cars, the mall, drugs. Let’s not forget about the most famous nude scene of the eighties coupled with one of the first masturbation gags in teen flicks. Pheobe Cates and Judge Reinhold. Forever linked. Director Amy Heckerling is ahead of her time and writer Cameron Crowe doesn’t think too hard for this seminal teen flick.

2. Heathers (1988)
Darker than midnight. “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.” Maybe my favorite line of the eighties. Heathers makes Mean Girls look like The Little Mermaid. The suicide-centric plot is over the top and insane to think about in today’s PC terms. It’s good to know that Heathers will never be in danger of being remade. It’s perfect just as is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=LQ-3rikUQ34

1. Sixteen Candles (1984)
The concept is simple. A family forgets their daughter’s birthday because their other daughter is getting married. My favorite Molly Ringwald role. She’s vulnerable, cute, funny, real and a joy to watch. Anthony Michael Hall is diesel as the pest. The family, Long Duck Dong, the party, Jake Ryan. Everything is gold. And it’s the little things. The nerds at the dance. The hot ditzy girlfriend. The fiance in the mob. John Hughes is able to channel the angst and emotion and absurdity of high school into a funny and sweet story. Over twenty years later the film is still fresh and relevant.